Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
