you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
