dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
