Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
