I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
