I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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