i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
