im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
