got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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