I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
