It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
