yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
