How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
