I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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