You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
