i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
