I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
