saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
