to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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