Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
