Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
