thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just puked most of my soul out..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
