3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
