Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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