Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
