My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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