I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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