I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
