i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
