Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
