i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think i have two assholes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
