I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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