The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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