Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
