chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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