and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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