I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
