Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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