I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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