I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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