i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
