don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
