She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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