this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
