a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
