I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
