and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
