Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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