god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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