I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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