You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
